The Rogue Stitch

From the Valley of the son of Hinnom:

Yeah, the OT calls it ga ben Hinnom, which was Gehenna to the Greeks. Some English dude eventually decided to call it Hell. Eternal damnation replete with fiery flames. We don't need no water; let the mother... wait, this place looks rather nice. What gives?

Apparently Manasseh and dissapointed parents from the tribes used this valley to burn their kids. And we're not talking cigar burns on the forearm for not taking out the trash. No, this was human sacrifice made to Molech. Booga booga booga. (Kings 23:8-10; Jeremiah 7:31-32; 2 Chronicles 33:1-6) Josiah cleaned things up and turned it into what looks to be the perfect setting for a golf course.

The Bible also likes to replace certain words with this all-encompassing term called Hell. Sheol, Hades, Tartarus, Abyss, grave, pit, etc.

Whatever the name, a lot of people tend to think that the perfidious, the lustful, and the like are heading down faster than a Thai hooker to some subterranean lake of fire and brimstone for an eternal vacation of suffering the wrath of a vengeful God.

Dante was, of course, no exception. Behold the Nine Layers:



So, ask any stranger on the street about the professions they expect to find in Hell. Drug dealers, maybe. Politicians, surely. Lawyers, mostly. (don't forget many are both.)

Ok here's the fun part; let's throw some people from this last profession into their rightful places in Dante's scheme.

Talk about pushing limits and buttons... I mean, who among mortals really has the audacity to relegate others to Hell? Why, yours truly, of course. Love me or hate me, I don't give a f*&#@ how offended some people are--only how pharisaic. Rest assured--I will keep it real for all the OGs out there. Sure, I'll meet my own Maker one day. But, in the meantime, I'm callin' bullshit on number of chumps.

And there's something to be said about action and reaction here. If some would-be lawyers don't want me spouting off, they'd better start thinking about the consequences of their words before proceeding to openly discuss, for example, how their esteemed parents barely have mortgages on their multi-million dollar homes, the prestigious boarding schools they attended (you're seriously talking about high school?), or their specific grades during classroom discussions.

And no, I won't necessarily address the whole "gunner" label floating around these days. That, I think, has been taken up by someone with another bent. Suffice to say, the appellation includes those would-be lawyers who not only open up their mouths when they shouldn't, but do so with such self-satisfaction that they would nominate themselves as alternatives to the Supreme Court in times of dire need--despite only having two semesters' worth of legal training. Obviously, they'll be subsumed somewhere within.

Kudos, btw, to those who actually make classroom discuss worthwhile. If you've formulated something pertinent to say, then by all means go ahead and do your thang, playa. But for the rest of you, please spare me the hemming and hawing, the articulated mishmash of your failure to think first/speak second, the gross generalizations based on non-existent empirical evidence, etc. etc. etc.

The Dark Wood of Error: I found me in a gloomy wood, astray. The true starting point for a 1L experience.

The Vestibule: This is the land of opportunists, and not quite technically Hell. It's reserved for those neither good nor evil. A few might fall into this category, though who ever really toes the line? I wonder if God keeps a scorecard for this destintation, letting certain acts cancel other ones out... like if you sleep with your client, can you escape Hell by donating $10k of your bonus to St. Jude's? (probably not if it's merely a tax write-off.)

1. Limbo: Home of the "virtuous pagans." Sorry, no Aristotles in the law profession, though Rehnquist might have been born before Jesus. R.I.P, Bill.

2. The Lustful: Residence of Minos, the beast who assigns each soul its final place and torment. (Would that be me?) There are plenty in the field who would qualify for the lustful with ease, for they are so caught up in their own passions that every word out of their mouth has to somehow relate back to their personal agenda. Granted this might be a stretch for a realm reserved for those with sins of the flesh, but the analogy works. These people constantly remind me just how obsessive the self-righteous can be.

3. The Gluttonous: Yeah, NAAFA will sick its dogs on me (if they can get off the floor) for this one, but ain't it funny that, in a health-conscious city like Boulder, gluttony appears to be more prevalent in the law profession? Granted we may have a triathlete or two running around, but let's face it--they're freaks.

4. Hoarders & Wasters: Have I seen hoarding in my days? Why yes, I do recall a tale about someone refusing to share case names with other students during a group exercise.... That schmuck might as well have been ripping pages out of books on reserve, like some do at other cutthroat schools. We--as a student body--may have an honor code, but you certainly have no honor.

5. (The Styx) The Wrathful: Home to the souls of the sullen, who are shut off from all sunlight in their suffering.



6. (City of Dis) The Heretics: At the gates to Hell's city, Dante and Virgil were stopped by a band of fallen angels barring them entrance. The two travellers could not convince them to open the gates--an allegory of human reason's inability to deal with evil itself. How fitting, then, to find the most self-satisfied atheists in Boulder to be those as equally obstinate in their views. What a correlation. To them, I say enjoy the blistering iron tombs, which will be sealed forever upon you come Judgment Day. (October 13, 2047, if anyone was wondering.)

7. The Violent: Reserved for warlords (violent against neighbors), suicides (against self), and blasphemers (against God), the 7th layer is the current home of such notable figures as Pol Pot, Adolph Hitler, L. Ron Hubbard, and Joseph Smith.

8. (Malebolge) The Fraudulent: Wow, ten concentric circles.
I. Panderers & Seducers
II. Flatterers
III. Simoniacs
IV. Fortune Tellers
V. Grafters
VI. Hypocrites
VII. Thieves
VIII. Evil Counselors
IX. Sowers of Discord
X. Falsifiers

Don't VI thru X seem just perfect for the worst members of the legal profession? (Which will be Scalia's final abode?)

VII is so right for the ambulance chasers--you know, those TV attorneys who always pretend to champion the cause of the little guy while lining their pockets to attract their trophy wives.

9. (Cocytus) The Treacherous: The treacherous against kin, country, guests, and masters. Judas Iscariot and Satan himself. I think Saddam has a reservation too, for once the trial is over.


Ok, the Stitch is done for now. If any reader out there feels like I've implicated you in a fate that's less than desirable, well so long as you're still breathing I guess you can change your ways.

This entry was posted on Monday, April 10, 2006 at 2:42 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.