The Rogue Stitch

From the seats of your local theatre:


So, if you were to stumble over to www.filmschoolrejects.com, you might just find the Reject's list of the Top 10 Greatest MotherF*&#$ing Cursors in Movie History. And while I don't take any real amount of umbrage to the cast of characters, I nonetheless feel that a few additions, corrections and honorable mentions should be made.


Correction: Mewes should be ranked much higher for his work in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.




All you motherf*&$ers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna f*&k your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches.


Addition: Kevin Heffernan, a.k.a. Officer Rodney Farva, needs to be on the list.



License and registration... chicken f*&$er. Bwuukak!


Correction: Samuel L. Jackson should be noted for his work in Snakes on a Plane.



Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherf*&$ing snakes on this motherf*&$ing plane!

Honorable Mention: Peter Billingsley as Ralphie Parker from A Christmas Story

Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!


And there you have it--my proverbial $.02 on a whole lot o' cussin.' And not a single use of the D-bag expletive in any of the references. What are the chances of that in any given post? Ah, but the Stitch is not done! No, I gotta share this next site with you since it has a D-bag Quiz for all to take.


The Stitch took it. Yup. And the result? Well, when all was said and done, I was greeted with a photo of John Mayer. I shit you not. Rank: Stone-Age Douche.


One last thing: props to Jon Stewart for calling out the Administration on hiring an inordinate amount of lawyers from tier 4 law school Regent University. Though I wish he had just come out and said, "Fuck you, Pat Robertson," Jon was spot on with the comparison to Jiffy Lube Law School.

From the tiered fields of Cathay:

China came up in two different conversations today--and both had me in stitches when all was said and done.

The first occasion amounted to more of an oblique reference, but dealt with the Far East in general, because I had to explain the difference between the words Oriental and Asian to a couple of crackers (who I will not name at this time, but will gladly reveal upon Congressional request). This led us to conclude that from now on white chicks should be referred to as Occidental to make up for the years spent in ignorance by Westerners.

The second was much more direct, and arose in the context of a vague recollection about a recent article in the news. Turns out that the Chinese Gov't wants to eliminate poor English translations for the 2010 Summer Olympics--ostensibly to help out the invading, um... Occidental crowds, but perhaps more importantly to save face and not come off as a bunch of, um... Asian doofuses. The Communists are cracking down on Chinglish! Aux armes citoyens! Formez vos bataillons! It's off to Tian'anmen Square! Ha. The irony here is that Beijing taxis drivers will have to pass an English test to stay in business. We can't even get that much done in NYC--but I guess that's why the place has flava in the first place.

So, where am I going with all of this? Well, in my research for this piece I came across my new favorite site: http://www.engrish.com/. The name says it all, folks--but the pictures, oh the pictures, are worth all the tea in China.




Any time of year, you can find it here.








Two places I want to ride before I die: Kashmir and the northern island of Japan. I promise not make the skies fall down. But be forewarned: I've been known to make it rain.




Too easy.





I hope the medicine flower chicken nest comes with extra hoisin sauce.





The dainty cyclone vs. a hurricane, and the hurricane's name is Ditka.





Now I'll get up for the elderly, and I don't mind comforting the sick, but I'll be damned if a friggin' crippie is gonna take my seat. those g.d. gravids aren't gettin' it either.


On a side note, the French reserve seats on the metro for members of La Resistance ("anciens combattants"). Another little known fact from Gaul:




ok, back to the East.........






I guess this is where the child molesters throw away their used prophylactics.


Book of Stitch 21:32: And there was much rejoicing in the Sancta Sedes upon discovery of such accommodation for the Church's clergymen in Asia, and even the Bishop of Rome let fly a hallelujah!





Stitch 21:33: But the reaction from the Asian community was less clear, for the world looked to Sandra Oh for guidance and she hath never appeared happy in all of her life.




(smile--you're rich.)

From atop the podium at the 2007 Worst-Of Olympics:


I don't know what it is--maybe the forthcoming exams, maybe the lack of days at the mountain, maybe Iran, AG Gonzales, the Atlanta Braves, American Idol, dihydrotestosterone, financial aid applications, little reminders of Paris, Colorado drivers, cat hair-covered couches from Craigslist, global warming hysteria, shots off the crossbar, two straight losses in IM football, the flickering light in my g.d. living room--but I seem to be in foul mood as of late.


So I'm going off in true Stitch style by animadverting at length upon the Worst-Of. What better way to release some steam than to call out a few people.


The Worst-Of? Yup. Four different categories, gold medals in each.


Worst Actor:

Bronze: Ben Stiller. Ffs, dude, try something new. If Robin Williams can fail at a drama or two, so can you. Hell, you might even pull something out of your ass worth watching (think Punch Drunk Love).

Silver: Orlando Bloom. The whitest Haitian out there. Yeah, don't let the pale skin fool ya--OB has been workin Voodoo on Hollywood for a while. Proof? Explain to me how this pretty boy continually gets cast as a soldier (Black Hawk Down, Troy, LotR, Kingdom of Heaven) without sprinkling some dust on someone. Greek warriors didn't pluck their eyebrows, Nancy.


Gold: Nick Cage. Never has a man been in more worthless films. And kudos for letting life imitate art. Marry a massage parlor employee half your age and name your kid after Super Man. You're lucky you're a Coppola.







Worst Musician(s):

Bronze: AFI. The leading cause of male erectile dysfunction since 1991. Their SNL set was quite possibly worse than Jessica Simpson's sister's lip syncing fiasco--and they were actually performing.


Silver: The Goo Goo Dolls. Everytime I hear one of your songs on the radio I contemplate tearing the speakers out of my car. Even the name of your band annoys me.


Gold: John Mayer. Whoa, it's been a while, hasn't it? Some would say too long. Girls become lovers who turn into mothers. Really? Gravity wants to bring me down. Oh yeah? Your song writing skills smack of mental retardation--which would explain the picture.





Worst Television Show:


Bronze: 30-Minute Meals. Rachel Ray needs some EVOO-coated Ridalin, or a better yet a total laryngectomy. Anything to shut her the hell up.


Silver: The Real World. What series number are we on? Where's the house? This is the true story of 7 nameless, brainless stereotypes picked to live in a house, and have their pointless lives taped to find out what happens when people who never learned to be polite in the first place act like fucking fools. Make sure there are some pretty titties, a gay guy and a frat boy bigot or two arguing 24/7.


Gold: My Super Sweet 16. Ungrateful, spoiled princesses one year closer to lipo treatment presents and their first divorce. Instead of buyin' you a Benz, your parents should ship your asses off to Darfur with $50k worth of supplies. But let's face it, the only place they'll ship you off to is the therapist's office so you can bitch about your terribly difficult lives.





Worst Racist:


Bronze: Don Imus. The question is: why now? Why denounce this cantankerous, self-satisfied relic now? He's been spewing hate for years. Anyone remember him calling the NY Knicks a bunch of "chest-thumping pimps"? Ah, so there's a formula to all of this: African-Americans + basketball + prostitution reference = Imus quote of the day.


Silver: Jason Wahler. Yeah, I asked the same question when I heard the story: who the fuck is Jason Wahler? Turns out he's a D-List celebrity, which places him somewhere between Elvin from The Cosby Show (less famous) and my 82yr-old grandmother (more famous). The short story: he's another privileged SoCal MTV "reality" star who has been arrested four times in nine months and is currently facing jail time. I guess a few days ago he passed out drunk somewhere in Seattle and when they cops came to get him he called one of them a "n**ger, a f**got and a poor fuck." He then challenged the cop to come down to LA and get his ass kicked. Well, have fun in jail, douchebag--your parents' money won't save your ass from a lil' shower action. Oh wait, that's wait lawyers are for. Damn.


Gold: Paris Hilton. Imus speaks and it dominates the news for days. Kramer flips out and winds up on Letterman. Paris gets caught on tape singing about "jap-y" Jews and Black people "stealing shit," and what happens? Practically nothing. Wtf people?! Where's the outrage? Herpes is not punishment enough for this worthless attention whore. But maybe this poster is a start.









Alright, I'll put an end to this shitshow (and please forgive all the foul language in the post, btw) with two final messages:


(1) R.I.P. Kurt Vonnegut.


(2) Happy belated Easter everybody. Stitch out.