From atop the podium at the 2007 Worst-Of Olympics:
I don't know what it is--maybe the forthcoming exams, maybe the lack of days at the mountain, maybe Iran, AG Gonzales, the Atlanta Braves, American Idol, dihydrotestosterone, financial aid applications, little reminders of Paris, Colorado drivers, cat hair-covered couches from Craigslist, global warming hysteria, shots off the crossbar, two straight losses in IM football, the flickering light in my g.d. living room--but I seem to be in foul mood as of late.
So I'm going off in true Stitch style by animadverting at length upon the Worst-Of. What better way to release some steam than to call out a few people.
The Worst-Of? Yup. Four different categories, gold medals in each.
Worst Actor:
Bronze: Ben Stiller. Ffs, dude, try something new. If Robin Williams can fail at a drama or two, so can you. Hell, you might even pull something out of your ass worth watching (think Punch Drunk Love).
Silver: Orlando Bloom. The whitest Haitian out there. Yeah, don't let the pale skin fool ya--OB has been workin Voodoo on Hollywood for a while. Proof? Explain to me how this pretty boy continually gets cast as a soldier (Black Hawk Down, Troy, LotR, Kingdom of Heaven) without sprinkling some dust on someone. Greek warriors didn't pluck their eyebrows, Nancy.
Gold: Nick Cage. Never has a man been in more worthless films. And kudos for letting life imitate art. Marry a massage parlor employee half your age and name your kid after Super Man. You're lucky you're a Coppola.
Worst Musician(s):
Bronze: AFI. The leading cause of male erectile dysfunction since 1991. Their SNL set was quite possibly worse than Jessica Simpson's sister's lip syncing fiasco--and they were actually performing.
Silver: The Goo Goo Dolls. Everytime I hear one of your songs on the radio I contemplate tearing the speakers out of my car. Even the name of your band annoys me.
Gold: John Mayer. Whoa, it's been a while, hasn't it? Some would say too long. Girls become lovers who turn into mothers. Really? Gravity wants to bring me down. Oh yeah? Your song writing skills smack of mental retardation--which would explain the picture.
Worst Television Show:
Bronze: 30-Minute Meals. Rachel Ray needs some EVOO-coated Ridalin, or a better yet a total laryngectomy. Anything to shut her the hell up.
Silver: The Real World. What series number are we on? Where's the house? This is the true story of 7 nameless, brainless stereotypes picked to live in a house, and have their pointless lives taped to find out what happens when people who never learned to be polite in the first place act like fucking fools. Make sure there are some pretty titties, a gay guy and a frat boy bigot or two arguing 24/7.
Gold: My Super Sweet 16. Ungrateful, spoiled princesses one year closer to lipo treatment presents and their first divorce. Instead of buyin' you a Benz, your parents should ship your asses off to Darfur with $50k worth of supplies. But let's face it, the only place they'll ship you off to is the therapist's office so you can bitch about your terribly difficult lives.
Worst Racist:
Bronze: Don Imus. The question is: why now? Why denounce this cantankerous, self-satisfied relic now? He's been spewing hate for years. Anyone remember him calling the NY Knicks a bunch of "chest-thumping pimps"? Ah, so there's a formula to all of this: African-Americans + basketball + prostitution reference = Imus quote of the day.
Silver: Jason Wahler. Yeah, I asked the same question when I heard the story: who the fuck is Jason Wahler? Turns out he's a D-List celebrity, which places him somewhere between Elvin from The Cosby Show (less famous) and my 82yr-old grandmother (more famous). The short story: he's another privileged SoCal MTV "reality" star who has been arrested four times in nine months and is currently facing jail time. I guess a few days ago he passed out drunk somewhere in Seattle and when they cops came to get him he called one of them a "n**ger, a f**got and a poor fuck." He then challenged the cop to come down to LA and get his ass kicked. Well, have fun in jail, douchebag--your parents' money won't save your ass from a lil' shower action. Oh wait, that's wait lawyers are for. Damn.
Gold: Paris Hilton. Imus speaks and it dominates the news for days. Kramer flips out and winds up on Letterman. Paris gets caught on tape singing about "jap-y" Jews and Black people "stealing shit," and what happens? Practically nothing. Wtf people?! Where's the outrage? Herpes is not punishment enough for this worthless attention whore. But maybe this poster is a start.
Alright, I'll put an end to this shitshow (and please forgive all the foul language in the post, btw) with two final messages:
(1) R.I.P. Kurt Vonnegut.
(2) Happy belated Easter everybody. Stitch out.
This entry was posted
on Wednesday, April 11, 2007 at 9:10 PM.
You can skip to the end and leave a response.
» Post a Comment