The Rogue Stitch

From the U.S. Supreme Court:

Oh, God. Here we go. A law student and the Supreme Court. This should be interesting...

So, over the last couple of months, I've vented a bit--attacking the absurdities of Mormonism, Scientology, and the like. And it was fun. Hail, Xenu. But don't you--my faithful readers--feel like something is missing? What about Kabbalah? Like I left some group out? What about NAMBLA? Like I need to bring it back to the old school and drop a dago like Jim Malone? (there's a bit of cinematic esoterica for ya.)

Call it the responsibility of any good Irishman to take offense to the very existence of those guinea-guido-wop fucks out there. Wow, did he just combo a troika of ethnic slurs? Oh yeah, that's right; they don't count when you aim them at white people from New Jersey.



I wouldn't even know where to begin with these meatballs. Your grandfather would have taken youze out back and beaten youze with a rubber hose, btw.

And no, I'm not about to go after Samuel Alito. That was supposedly Congress' job.

Scalia, on the other hand, is fair game. This terrone has been all over the news lately.



First, he declared anyone believing in a "living Constitution" to be an "idiot." Thank you, Mr. Originalist. What can possibly be said, Nino, about someone who clings to a textualist interpretation of an antiquated document and tells people to change the law (via legislation) if they don't like it? Too much faith in a poorly-oiled system, goomba. We don't all have an Abramoff to get things done. If we had a government of statesmen serving the people--and not Ralph Reeds and Tom DeLays serving their own interests--you'd have a point.

Then came the home video of you all fired up over foreign detainees. "War is war," you said. (yeah, i might agree with you on this one.)

And just recently did you truly let your guido soul glow, offering this gesture from the Cathedral of the Holy Cross, of all places:



Get this: Nino's at a special mass for lawyers (ha!) and a reporter asks him how he responds to critics who question his impartiality as a judge. Nino then looks into the camera, gives it the I-talian salute, and says, "Vaffanculo."

What do you think this phrase means in Italian? Come on now; anyone with the slightest training in a Romance language should recognize the root "cul."

Wouldn't it be great to have a Supreme Court justice drop the f-bomb on you? Almost as good as the vice president. (see previous posts)

That reminds me; there's this great insult in French: Va te faire enculer chez les Grecs!

Turns out that Scalia immediately recognized the inappropriate nature of his comment, and said to the reporter, "You're not going to print that, are you?" Oops.

That's what you get for acting like a fool in church. You forgot to ask WWJD? Hey, how do you think Scalia reacted when the cardinals chose a German to be pontiff?

Speaking of the Teutons, the Stitch will be studying in Europe this summer, and will hopefully make it over to Deutschland for some World Cup action. And perhaps some beer drinking with the native frauen.



To the faux-blonde on the right, I say: Soll ich dich einem Sommertag vergleichen? Er ist wie du so lieblich nicht und lind...Ich liebe dich.

From the kitchen sink:

Want more proof that God has a sense of humor (apart from the oft-cited duckbilled platypus)? A Norwegian woman turned on her faucet the other day and beer came out. Now I've heard of Jesus turning water to wine, but ain't this something else. I'll leave inquisitive Stitch fans to discover the details of the tale for themselves.

In other news, two women of ill-repute and their pimp robbed a man on his way to Bible study. No, really. One woman knocked on his door and offered him a free strip-of-gram. The man agreed, but then found himself held at knife-point by the other two, who were waiting outside. Turns out the man owed the second woman money for sex (though she fell asleep on another occasion). The three managed to steal the man's Viagra, but couldn't take his car because he had run out of gas. Should have left early for Bible study, buddy.

Muammar thinks Libya is the only true democracy on Earth. Really.

Nature is now a musical. I'm gonna be a Broadway star--oh come on!

Elk do find llamas attactive. Who knew? (NSFW, perhaps)

American taxpayer dollars are being used to fix washing machines in Iraq....with hand grenades.
Snakes on a Plane...the trailer. (finally, a real one.) It looks too good to be true.



SLJ: Enough is enough; I've had it with these snakes.

George Dubya is an easy target--Clinton as well.

Mr. T killed Tupac.

Now, I have no love for rollerbladers, but anyone who can pull off a 200m grind deserves a bit of respect. Word.

Alright, that's it for now, kiddies. Later.

From Happy Acres Retirement Community:

Come on, now. You know you want to. We're talking shuffleboard, motorized scooters, early bird specials, Mah Jong for the missus, stocked ponds to fish (no more hunting, Dick), neighborhood watch committees to run, shadow neighborhood watch committees to hide in underground bunkers just in case terrorists target the legitimate one, gardening classes, cheap meds on the local black market, family days (to which you can invite your daughter Steve), carolling visits at Christmas time from the kids, defibrillators in the rec room just in case the ticker sticks it to you again.....

Don't it sound grand, Dick? Jump ship while you still can. This lame duck president's gonna wind up the main dish at a Chinese restaurant on Christmas day before all's said and done. This is your chance. Imagine the G.O.P. turning on you two quicker than you can say "Scooter Libby told a fibby." The possibility of such a Titanic-esque descent is all very real.

Wired: John McCain '08
Tired: Bush-Cheney '04
Expired: Tom Delay 'o-you're a skeevy politician

You can only go down on this list, Dick; just ask Paris Hilton.

Look, Sen. Pat Leahy (D-Vt.) has already told Dubya about that incident up in Wyoming.... you know, when the Secret Service agents found you chopping horses and riding logs in your Adult Depends.



Is that why you called Pat an asshole on the Senate floor?

From Abu Ghraib cellblock 4:

Yeah, Lynndie England's old news. Nothing really up-to-date with this post. No attacks on Mormoms or the like. No comments on how hot Gretchen Bleiler is. Just thought I'd throw a few pics out there in anticipation of joining the iPod bandwagon. The Stitch and white headphones equals crazy free downloads. Oh, well I guess the Joint Chiefs decided to close Abu Ghraib. That's new. At least we still have Club Gitmo, though. Cuba--where anti-American sentiment is downright superficial. USA--where petulant college kids wear Che Guevara t-shirts without a clue as to how much he hated this country and those parents capable of funding 4 years of booze and date rape. (CU being the paradigm, naturally.)

Here's to creativity:



(Cat Stevens on the box.)



(I guess iHamas doesn't flow as well as iQaeda...but maybe iAqsa Brigade would work.)



This last pose has become quite the cultural phenomenom with plenty of imitations. Sure, I've got my favorites here as well:



Mom's not happy with Junior distracting her from such an important QVC order.



Grandma, on the other hand, is quite happy (perhaps even tipsy) in this one.



My worst nightmare: Abu Nascar Prison. The threat of Dale Jarrett footage 24/7 would have me talkin' and renouncing Islam in a heartbeat. Muhammed who?





These pics collectively belong on one particular site...Passed Out Wookies dot com. Here's to counter-culture overindulgence.

One more, ok.

It's a shout-out to either the HRH The Stitch I himself or a young Fidel somewhere in the Sierra Maestras on the road to revolutionary fame (or infamy):



Viva la revolución!

Oh yeah, and Gretchen Bleiler is ridiculously hot.



Whereas Gwen Stefani, secretly Jewish:



And I'm spent. L8er sk8ers.

From a Dianetics center near you:

Greetings so-called earthlings, inhabitants of Teegeeack. (that's the asinine name Scientologists give to our planet.) Booga booga booga. Tax shelter.

So the Stitch is going after L. Ron on this post. Unfortunately, Old Mother Hubbard never locked her fucked-up son in the cupboard, which means I have call a spade a spade and set things straight.

Hello, my name is Lafayette. I invented a religion for money. I also lied about my wartime service in the Navy. And when I died, I had the hydroxyzine hydrocloride (Vistaril) in my system. That makes me a hypocrite, since it's used to treat neuroses and emotional disturbances brought on by anxiety. (if only Matt Lauer had done his homework and called Tom Cruise out like the little bitch he is.)



The lies about L. Ron's years in the Navy really piss me off. Since December 7, 1941, hundreds of thousands of Americans have either been killed or wounded in action. And, whether you agree with the justifications of military engagement or not, you have to respect the men and women who put themselves in harm's way.

Scientologists fundamentally debased the legacy of such sacrifice when they asserted L. Ron was awarded 29 medals and awards. (The schmuck himself only claimed 27.) The pseudo-church even had the audacity to petition the Navy to send it the medals. Yet, now it seems the list has been shortened:

Navy Commendation Medal with 1 Bronze Star.
Purple Heart.
Naval Reserve Medal.
Organized Marine Corps Reserve Medal.
(British) The 1939-45 War Medal.
(French) Medaille Commemorative Française 1939-45.
(Netherlands) Bronzen Kruis.
Philippine Defence with 3 Silver Stars.
American Defence Service Medal.
American Campaign Medal with.
Asiatic-Pacific Campaign Medal.
European African Middle Eastern Campaign Medal (ETO Medal) with 1 Bronze Star.
WWII Victory Medal.
National Defence Medal.
Armed Forces Reserve Medal.
Navy Expert Rifleman.
Navy Expert Pistol Shot.

The Navy concluded that L. Ron's service record only showed he was entitled to 4 general medals (those in blue). What's more, some of the other medals don't even exist. What a blatant fraud. The British Ministry of Defence had no record of an L. Ron receiving a non-existent decoration. Go figure! And what about the European-African-Middle Eastern Campaign Medal? The asshole never left US coastal waters.....

The Purple Heart is the worst lie. L. Ron saw no action and received no wounds. His ship once depth-charged an area in which he thought there were two Japanese subs. We're talking 37 depth charges in 68 hourse of "combat." The Navy investigation concluded the quixotic L. Ron was chasing windmills. Turned out to be a known magnetic deposit. Asshole.

And yet L. Ron went on the claim that he had discovered a method by which he healed his fictitious war wounds. "Crippled and blinded" he said.

How do recieve shrapnel and bullet wounds when no one ever attacked you? Then again, how do you go on to convince people that Aliens were flown to Earth, put in volcanoes, and blown up with hydrogen bombs?

Kudos to the most recent issue of Rolling Stone for its article on the inside of Scientology. There's nothing like painting a revelatory picture of a world replete with bullshit for a public overrun with images of Tom and Katie.



Oh Tom, you're such a douchebag. There's no other way to say it. Yes, the language is crude and offensive, but do you deserve better? Hardly. You're a loose cannon.

Now, on to the fun part. Xenu. Alien overlord. Galactic Confederacy. Interstellar travel on DC-8s. Deception by income tax inspection. Thetans. blah blah blah. mumbo jumbo. do the hokey pokey.

All hail Xenu!



This is a story 'bout a alien who needed to solve an overpopulation problem. (oh, it gets better.)

So, for those individuals foolish enough to fork over tens of thousands of dollars to the CoS, there's basically this level of worthiness you can reach--at which time the secrets of the universe are revealed to you. It's called OT III. (don't worry about the details.) This is the point when Scientologists get to hear Xenu's story. Here's the dumbed-down version:

75 millions years ago...
1. There was overpopulation in the Galactic Confederacy.
2. Xenu was about to be deposed.
3. With the help of psychiatrists, Xenu rounded up 13.5 trillion people for purported income tax inspections, drugged them with alcohol and glycol, and flew them to Earth (Teegeeack) on spaceships nearly identical to DC-8s.
3. The drugged people were dropped off next to various volcanoes--into which Xenu's minions then dropped hydrogen bombs.
4. The resultant explosions created all these disembodied souls called thetans.
5. The thetans were rounded up with an "eletronic ribbon," brought to "vacuum zones," and forced to watch a "3-d, super colossal motion picture" for 36 days.
6. This movie implanted misleading data into the memories of the thetans, including the tenets of Roman Catholicism.
7. Xenu, deposed, was imprisoned forever by a force field powered by an eternal battery.
8. Teegeeack was then abandoned by the Galactic Confederacy, effectively making it a "prison planet."

So, these thetans supposedly now cling to our bodies, causing all the world's problems. Of course, through Scientology, one may take steps to remove these thetans...... for a price.

a) 6 month begiining membership - free
b) Annual membership - $300
c) Lifetime membership - $2,000
d) Sponsor - $5,000
e) Crusader (New!) - $10,000
f) Honor Roll - $20,000 or 20 new members for the IAS recruited
g) Patron - $40,000
h) Patron with Honors - $100,000
i) Patron Meritorious - $250,000
j) Gold Patron Meritorious - $1,000,000
k) Senior Honor Roll - 100 new members for the IAS recruited or "contributed to IAS expansion in some stellar fashion".

And these are just the dues. To go from a mere initiate off the street to an OT VIII (think of that like a state of enlightenment), we're talking $280k:

Life Repair - $11,200
Purification RD - $2,560
TRs & Objectives - $11,200
Scn Drug Rundown - $11,200
ARC Straightwire - $11,200
Grade 0 - $16,800
Grade 1 - $11,200
Grade 2 - $11,200
Grade 3 - $11,200
Grade 4 - $11.200
New Era Dianetics - $16,800
Clear Certainty RD - $2,800

Sub-total to Clear: $128, 560

Solo Course pt. 1 - $3,200
OT Preparations - $6,600
Solo Course pt. 2 - $1,900
OT Eligibility - $6,600
OT I - $2,00
OT II - $3,800
OT III - $6,500
OT IV - $13,000
OT V - $29,600
OT VI Set-ups - $18,500
OT VI - $12,800
Pledge Intensive - $9,250
OT VII - $3,500
OT VII C/Sing (per year) - $6,400
OT VIII - $10,00
OT VIII Auditing - $ 14,800

Grand Total: $277, 010

Fuck that; I'll take the $280k and buy an Astin Matin Vanquish S along with a condo in Breckenridge. Somethig tells me that a little more reasonable than buying into bullshit stories of interstellar travel on DC-8s (ain't it funny Jonny Travolta is a pilot?) and simultaneous volcanic explosions.



The best point in the anti-Scientology arsenal: there is absolutely no quantitative, tangible, scientific evidence to support L. Ron's fictitious story. Hyrdogen bombs leave a residue of radioactive isotopes--and those detonated 75 million years ago would still be detectable today. Moreover, the remains of those killed would have left some trace in the geological strata surrounding the missing craters. (and for those who would say that the bodies were vaporized, I point out how CoS literature claims that some survived the blasts.)

All in all, I think it's safe to say that Scientology amounts to utter bullshit, and those that believe in it's message are fucking retards. Again, I hate to use such coarse language, but hopefully it conveys the absurdity behind someone actually having to write about this crap.

For more on the debunking of Scientology, check out:

www.xenu.net

And for a bunch of interviews given by ex-Scientologists (including OT VIIs), see:

http://xenutv.bogie.nl/interviews/index.html


A pox on the 1st Amendment! (wow, doesn't that sound un-American.) Between the Mormons and the Scientologists, the founding fathers have every right and reason to be rolling in their graves....

What? Now an attack on the Mormons? You're damn right.

Hi, my name is Joseph Smith. I invented a religion too. I was actually born in Vermont, but the good folk there ran me out of the state. When someone lost the original "traductions" that I made up, I was forced to come up with a lie explaining God commanded me not to retranslate those portions of the Golden Plates. That's what I call quick thinking. But I guess I got what was coming to me when that mob rushed the jail where I was staying and killed me. Yeah, that kinda sucked.



Mormonism teaches that God has a physical body and lives on a planet near a star called Kolob. He is but one of an infinite number of Gods, each ruling over his own world located somewhere in the universe. Supposedly, each God has untold numbers of goddess wives who produce millions of spirit children. Amazingly, these spiritual offspring of God and his goddesses must then be birthed through physical beings (non-gods) on earth. This obtains for them the physical bodies necessary to become Gods and goddesses, who create and rule over their own worlds.

Does anyone else smell that?

Oh yeah, the Mormons also believe that Lehi's sons, Laman and Lemuel, rebelled against God, who, in turn, cursed them and turned their skin dark. Mormonism claims that these dark-skinned Hebrews (Lamanites) are the original ancestors of the Native Americans.

Again, there is no scientific evidence to back up the bullshit.

This is the beauty of DNA research. It doesn't lie like a chump born in the VT sticks with delusions of grandeur. Undeniably, the Native Americans are not linked to any tribe of Israel. I point to the estimable work of Professor Bryan Sykes in support of this conclusion. (y'all should read The Seven Daughters of Eve.)

Hell, go check out the Oxford Ancestors website and they'll map out your genetic heritage for you. For £180.00 the company will establish a link to one of the 36 "clan mothers" that cover all of humanity.

So, the Ignorant probably each have an answer to my points. You see, that's the beauty of faith; it's incontrovertible. You say "That's what God said," or "God told me..." and there's absolutely no need to say more. Forget proof, evidence, corroboration, reasonableness, logic, research, and the like. And for the detractors, well we're just evil and/or misguided. Thetans, right? Or Satan. Booga booga booga.