The Rogue Stitch

From a Hollywood mailbox:

Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like this guy's facial expressions:



Often you hear "the Man" used to describe someone with extraordinary character and charisma, but really there's only one in my opinion....and his name is Christopher Walken.



The antithesis of the Man? Well, remember this kid?



Yup, that's right; it's Donkeylips from Salute Your Shorts. I bring him up for two reasons. First, Steigerwald's brother was running around the Colorado-Nebraska game in a Camp Anawanna t-shirt. Secondly, it seems the Actor Formerly Known As Donkeylips (AFKAD) has a page on MySpace.com and he's tryin' out his R&B skills to win a lady. Child star, all thugged out, making $40k a year, in seach of the perfect hook-up with whom to share a comic book passion. (I ain't making this shit up!)

Alright, true, AFKAD is a step up from the antithesis--but he came close with his bubble-wrap appearance in Dude, Where's My Car?

So who takes the crown of the anti-Man? This Guy. Hysterical. (From Latin hystericus, from Greek husterikos, from huster, womb .... etymologically opposed to Man, I supposed.) Simply ridiculous.

One last word on Salute Your Shorts: the rich girl on the show, Dina Alexander (aka Heidi Lucas), has a fanlisting... 1,000+ hits, only 11 fans. Sure, she hasn't done anything since a '98 commerical for Coke, but she had talent, right?



So, Stitch fans, you also remember these two, right? Chinese Nick Carter and Chinese A.J. McLean (and yes, I did have to look up the second name on the internet, but the first one I knew because he gave Paris Hilton a black eye) :



Alas, the imitation has begun. Seems the ladies had to get in on the action as well.



Lame...

(I'm thinking Adam and I should put up our own version for shits and giggles. Just a thought.)

Then there were these two:



Well, through diligent efforts (and a desire not to outline Chapter 6: Remedies), I discovered better karaoke antics above and beyond the call of comedic duty. This too is one of the funniest videos I've found to date.



Getting back to Christopher Walken (whose real name, btw, is Ronnie), someone needs to write the Man who would be president in 2008 a Christmas carol. Stitch fans perhaps. Maybe an Australian.



So, I don't know if you can read the lyrics from the sheet music above, but it turns out that there's an Australian version of the "Twelve Days of Christmas," complete with six chooks a-laying, four kangaroos, two koala bears and an emu in a gum tree. Crazy Aussies and their kookaburra vernacular. To get all technical and shit, the six chooks are a-laying googies.

What next? Howabout an Irish version of the song? Nollaig Shona Duit! The holiday does have a Celtic origin. So here we go:

twelve rummies stumbling
eleven shots of uisge
ten sippers sipping
nine Gerry Adams jigging
eight maids getting ugly
seven sinners sinning
six drunks a-puking
five more pints
four bullies calling
three too many
two black eyes
and a leprechaun in a lime tree
(yes, I know, there probably are no lime trees in Ireland, but it sounds nice and it's green.)



Course, the Irish have a prayer for everything:

May peace and plenty be the first
To lift the latch to your door,
And happiness be guided to your home
By the candle of Christmas.

the aforementioned song has an interesting history behind it too. To quote Dennis Bratcher:

The popular song "The Twelve Days of Christmas" is usually seen as simply a nonsense song for children. However, some have suggested that it is a song of Christian instruction dating to the 16th century religious wars in England, with hidden references to the basic teachings of the Faith. They contend that it was a mnemonic device to teach the catechism to youngsters. The "true love" mentioned in the song is not an earthly suitor, but refers to God Himself. The "me" who receives the presents refers to every baptized person who is part of the Christian Faith. Each of the "days" represents some aspect of the Christian Faith that was important for children to learn...
However, many have questioned the historical accuracy of this origin of the song The Twelve Days of Christmas. It seems that some have made an issue out of trying to debunk this as an "urban myth," some in the name of historical accuracy and some out of personal agendas. There is little "hard" evidence available either way. Some church historians affirm this account as basically accurate, while others point out apparent historical discrepancies. However, the "evidence" on both sides is mostly in logical deduction and probabilities.



And what, you ask, is the code behind the song?

1 Partridge in a pear tree = The One true God revealed as Jesus Christ
2 Turtle Doves = The Old and New Testaments
3 French Hens = Faith, Hope and Charity
4 Calling Birds = the Four Gospels and/or the Four Evangelists
5 Golden Rings = The first Five Books of the Old Testament
6 Geese A-laying = the six days of creation
7 Swans A-swimming = the seven sacraments of the Catholic faith
8 Maids A-milking = the eight beatitudes
9 Ladies Dancing = the nine Fruits of the Spirit
10 Lords A-leaping = the ten commandments
11 Pipers Piping = the eleven faithful apostles
12 Drummers Drumming = the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed

Interesting--as is the actual cost of all the gift giving named in the song:

1 Partridge in a pear tree: $104.99
2 Turtle doves: $40
3 French hens: $45
4 Calling birds: $399.96
5 Golden rings: $325
6 Geese a-laying: $300
7 Swans a-swimming: $4,200
8 Maids a-milking: $41.20
9 Ladies dancing: $4,576.14
10 Lords a-leaping: $4,039.08
11 Pipers piping: $2,053.20
12 Drummers drumming: $2,224.30

Total: $18,348.87

Total if you were to follow it the whole way through: $72,608.02

Learning the code so that when you reach the Gates of Heaven you have something with which to serenade St. Peter: priceless

There are some things money can't buy; for everything else there's.........

(John Mayer?....no I already did that one)

Christopher Walken.



Your random, very random quotes and videos from around the world:

"The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere."

Is this a funny anecdote that just had to be shared with the world?

Ayumi Hamasaki. I think she's singing about Christmas. How fitting.

I hope a sketchy French guy with a video camera doesn't follow us around on my 25th.

And God said, "Let there be an igloo." We then ate ice and drank water from the lake.

We Todd Baseball. (I love this clip because the minivan at the very end has Vermont license plates.)

Merry Christmas, y'all. And a Happy Festivus to our favorite curmudgeons out there too.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 01, 2005 at 3:32 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.