The Rogue Stitch

From the Lone Star State:

Alright, so we've all been copied on a massive email before. Usually it's nothing too exiciting. You see the Fw: Check This Out! and think great, if I don't send this to 15 other people in the next hour, I'll have back luck for the next seven years. Either that or, hey great, more mullet pictures to share with the people at the office. Brief moments of levity, chicken soup for the mirthful soul, a bright spot in otherwise a gray day. Call them what you will. Love them or hate them as you so choose.

But, every once in a while, there's one that just kicks some ass. So I thought I'd share...

Y'all know this man, right? Cordell Walker to some, Chuck F*$!&n' Norris to most others. Half Cherokee, half Irish. 100% bad ass. Trained in Tang Soo Do, Tae Kwon Do, Chun Kuk Do (which he founded), Shinto-Ryu Karate, and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, the man's a walking weapon.

OK, so he's like, 80, and sat behind Jesus in algebra.

But that's not the point. This man taught karate to Steve McQueen and Bob Barker. Yes, that Bob Barker--the one who met his wife at an Ella Fitzgerald concert (or if you prefer the one who favors chopping the genetalia off of poor, defenseless animals).

So what if Bruce Lee also called him out and made Walker kow-tow before he got the intercepting fist in the face. This man's a legend.

And now, some little-known facts about Chuck:

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. (Too bad he has never cried.)

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets all the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting each one. JFK's head then exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer--only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. (Beat that, Lance Armstrong.)

There are no disabled people--only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard; there is only another fist.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris bleeds gasoline. But he hasn't bled much lately--that's why there's a gas crisis.

Every new U.S. currency has a watermark of Chuck Norris' face in the background. Knowing that Chuck is always watching, counterfeiting has ceased to exist.

Chuck Norris used to be a regular guest on Sesame Street until one day Snuffleupagus ate his sandwich and got a roundhouse kick to the snuffle.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with the waitress.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you too. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from certain death.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., even though that's "his way."

Those are not credits at the end of each Walker episode--they're names of people who died from Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks on that particular day.

Chuck Norris. 'nough said.

Now on to other news:

So Rogue Stitch regulars might remember that I chastised Seth MacFarlane a while back for stealing my John Mayer thunder. Well, it looks like he's at it again. Y'all know the Peanut Butter Jelly Time, right? Kinda looks like this:

Well now Peter and Brian have caught on to the magic that is PBJT:

Ahhuh....let me clear my throat. White guys still can't dance. No wait, they can dance but they have no style. Proof? Britney's parasitic husband, and this guy. Oh, btw, BS once saw her man move and the scummerazzi caught it on film: