The Rogue Stitch

From the hearthside:

'Twas the week before finals and all through the school
1Ls were forgetting to celebrate Yule;
Outlines were pumping and eyes bugging out,
While Santa tried to figure what the matter was about;
Restatements were read over coffee and tea,
And civilians exclaimed that lawyers they'd rather not be;
The 3Ls were content all smug in their beds,
While visions of big firms danced in their heads;
2Ls in the middle, like Jan Brady or a monkey,
Kindly gave us the outlines we need like crack to a junkie.
When out of nowhere there arose such a clatter,
And the Rogue Stitcher sprang forth to tackle the matter.
"Cheer them all up," I thought as I snickered,
"Then we can discuss contract terms which were dickered."
So away to the blog I retired with pics
To post and make fun of these poor ol' Saint Nicks:



I like the second one (happy, angry and scared shitless).
The third is kinda disturbing; Santa looks like a drunk Russian peasant (no offense to my fans in the Motherland).
Check this one out and ask yourself, "Who's the bigger baby?"........



Actually, Santa's mind is elsewhere in this one....

He's thinking about the night before....

Yup, definitely the night before:



Damn, the elves just keep getting better and better looking:



But that's not what Christmas is about. The season is meant for families....



and celebrating the birth of Christ with friends.......



and enjoying the moment............



errrrrrrrrrr, and swimming pools............



Whoa, I digress.

Christmas is about carols and eggnog and sleigh rides and crackling fires and snow and spices and candycanes and ice skating and that fresh pine tree smell and nutcrackers and Tiny Tim and Jimmy Stewart and red rider bb guns and the island of misfits and Jon Favreau...Jon Favreau?



Wow, he probably should have waited on Elf for a few years and then played Santa himself.

Christmas is about gingerbread and sugar plums and Good King Wenceslas and Jack Frost and Comet and Cupid and Donner and mistletoe kisses and the little drummer boy and the Arthur Andersen office party and wool-knit hats and ties for dad and writing letters to Christopher Walken and Mr. Hankey and leaving out a glass of milk for the Jolly One....



Oh, I see. VSOP. Go on, playa; Diddy can't be the only one throwin' down for the holidays:



And if you're checkin' that list, I'll take one of those coats (fur is murder my ass).... and the elf in red. Thanks, dawg.

Merry Christmas y'all.

From Folsom Field, 5334 ft above sea-level:

BOULDER, Colo. (AP) -- Hundreds of fans were removed by force. Thousands more left by choice. By the end, the only folks making noise in Colorado's stadium were a rowdy group in the corner shouting "Go Big Red!"

Nebraska 30
Colorado 3

CU deserved to lose this one, folks. Let's face it, when puerile undergrads act like assholes, there is no fun in football. Every uncultivated college stereotype was on display at the field today, and I'm thoroughly disgusted to be associated with these kids who think they can act like tools just because mommy and daddy pay their tuition to be here. Grow the fuck up. You're disgraceful. Pardon my language, but the ABC announcer said it best: these "idiots" should have been locked up for the night and their academic records should now reflect the fact that they're a bunch of state school dipshits. Seriously, their transcripts should read "dipshit" somewhere, anywhere:

Major: Dipshit
Minor: Intelligence

Most of these idiots fail to comprehend that they can only hurt their team by acting like fools. And get this: several fucknuts next to me started mocking one of the CU players who angrily expressed his displeasure with their antics from the sideline in the first quarter. They said that if he were someone important--like a better player--they would have listened. I left the game shortly thereafter, since I didn't care to feel as if I should have dropped one of these kids out of sheer pleasure for violence. That would have made me no better than the tools themselves.

Let's face it, alcohol is in no way an excuse. It's not an excuse when you get pulled over, it's not an excuse when the girl down the hall accuses you of date rape. If you have no shame behind the bottle, then you deserve to be treated like the chumps you are. And that's all I'm gonna say on the matter.

Of course, these people are just as pitiful. I'm talking about the ones who feel like their lives would be meaningless if they couldn't grab that discounted breadmaker before anyone else does on Nov. 25 . Really holds true to the holiday spirit. Let's trample old women because baby Jesus would have wanted that way. And you wonder why so many foreigners hate the dominant ethos of American capitalism....behold the paradigm of social Darwinism and beastial behavior. Say, is that a CU alum I see at the bottom of the pile? Wonder what Campos' thoughts on the matter would be.



Rule #1 of Fight Club: You do not talk about Fight Club
Rule #2 of Fight Club: You do not talk about Fight Club
Rule #3 of Fight Club: If someone cuts the line to get his hands on a discounted laptop at Wal-Mart, beat the shit out of him.

In case you were wondering, this is a true expression of the holiday spirit.

Perfect segue to the videos. Enjoy.





Grandma. Treat her well, 'cause sometimes Grandma fights back. And she'll kick you out of the will for acting disrespectful.













To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal...or rock a mic like Robert Van Winkle. Word to your mother.





Wade Blasingame...the sole reason why I aspire to be an attorney. (alright, so it's not the ball player but Will Farrell.)









What? Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. Lil' John at DIA.
3, 6, 9 Damn your fine
Move it 'til you sock it to me one more time
Get low, get low, get low, get low
To the window, to the wall
'Til the sweat drops down my.....






Well, who do you think he got to sing the theme song? (Btw, this kid needs some bling in the mouth like Lil John up there....where's Paul Wall's white ass when you need it? Lay off the syzzurp, son.)





Alright, this one's great since we're approaching exams (Contracts a week from Tuesday? Christ Almighty) and the library's a zoo. Funny, the computer startup is worse when someone walks into class ten minutes late.






And this one's for all my creationist friends out there. Bill Hicks on fundamentalism. R.I.P.

From the Lone Star State:

Alright, so we've all been copied on a massive email before. Usually it's nothing too exiciting. You see the Fw: Check This Out! and think great, if I don't send this to 15 other people in the next hour, I'll have back luck for the next seven years. Either that or, hey great, more mullet pictures to share with the people at the office. Brief moments of levity, chicken soup for the mirthful soul, a bright spot in otherwise a gray day. Call them what you will. Love them or hate them as you so choose.

But, every once in a while, there's one that just kicks some ass. So I thought I'd share...



Y'all know this man, right? Cordell Walker to some, Chuck F*$!&n' Norris to most others. Half Cherokee, half Irish. 100% bad ass. Trained in Tang Soo Do, Tae Kwon Do, Chun Kuk Do (which he founded), Shinto-Ryu Karate, and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, the man's a walking weapon.

OK, so he's like, 80, and sat behind Jesus in algebra.

But that's not the point. This man taught karate to Steve McQueen and Bob Barker. Yes, that Bob Barker--the one who met his wife at an Ella Fitzgerald concert (or if you prefer the one who favors chopping the genetalia off of poor, defenseless animals).

So what if Bruce Lee also called him out and made Walker kow-tow before he got the intercepting fist in the face. This man's a legend.



And now, some little-known facts about Chuck:


Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. (Too bad he has never cried.)

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets all the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."


Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting each one. JFK's head then exploded out of sheer amazement.



Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer--only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. (Beat that, Lance Armstrong.)

There are no disabled people--only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.



Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard; there is only another fist.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.



Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris bleeds gasoline. But he hasn't bled much lately--that's why there's a gas crisis.

Every new U.S. currency has a watermark of Chuck Norris' face in the background. Knowing that Chuck is always watching, counterfeiting has ceased to exist.

Chuck Norris used to be a regular guest on Sesame Street until one day Snuffleupagus ate his sandwich and got a roundhouse kick to the snuffle.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with the waitress.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you too. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from certain death.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., even though that's "his way."

Those are not credits at the end of each Walker episode--they're names of people who died from Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks on that particular day.

Chuck Norris. 'nough said.


Now on to other news:

So Rogue Stitch regulars might remember that I chastised Seth MacFarlane a while back for stealing my John Mayer thunder. Well, it looks like he's at it again. Y'all know the Peanut Butter Jelly Time, right? Kinda looks like this:



Well now Peter and Brian have caught on to the magic that is PBJT:



Ahhuh....let me clear my throat. White guys still can't dance. No wait, they can dance but they have no style. Proof? Britney's parasitic husband, and this guy. Oh, btw, BS once saw her man move and the scummerazzi caught it on film:



My thoughts exactly, Britney.

Hey, remember these guys?



Well, this cop wouldn't fit in I don't think. Just a thought: where was he when OJ tried to get away?

From Copper Mountain:

Saturday was ridiculous. Half hour wait in the morn to get on the lift; afternoon powder to make the day worth while. Responsibility for the delayed terrain opening rested solely with the powers that be: the proverbial bureaucratic Man, to use the parlance of our times. First it was 10am, then 11, then 12, then 12:30. Funny, the chair did run for those hours with no one on it. Well worth the wait, of course, but such a tease nonetheless.

The Timberline chair had the run of the day.



We're talkin a fast single track through some tight trees--quite reminiscent of an east coast course...something like Jay Peak mid-season. What a rush flyin' through the glades, hoping not to die from an inopportune encounter with a fir. Lost Dave, lost Leah halfway down, and didn't know if they were stuck in the fluff for a good ten minutes. Crazy that's it's only November. Who knew we'd find a foot and a half in the woods. Giddy as a school girl. Law school out of sight, out of mind. Exams what? Naw, forget that. Bring on the rest of the season and a bit o' air. We're doin' it for the shorties.



Your random moment of the day:




Salsa......hot. (The dance too.)

Street Fighter....classic.

Street Fighter salsa? Kinda lame. It's like an asian mojito; it just doesn't work.

OK, here's kid will never live down this picture. He's probably still trying to recover from the alcohol posioning that put him in the necessary coma for his friends to get away with something like this:

There are some things in life money can't buy; for everything else, there's John Mayer:

From atop the Flatirons:

There's snow in Boulder. Copper's doubling its terrain this weekend. After tomorrow, I'm neck deep in finals work, I swear. Just give me a day in the mountains.

It only gets worse from here on out....

...though Boulder grows better looking by the day.

Speaking of good looking, Victoria Jealouse is simply the finest rider out there.

The interview. Teton also put up a few clips from The Prophecy showcasing her skills.

Don't foget the etnies girls.

The Dropstitch girls.

Team Roxy. water. snow. street.

and all the other cuties out there.

One in particular strikes my fancy:

Debbie Downer.......killjoy extraordinaire.

Certainly one of the best SNL skits from the past decade. Even if Lohan is about as annoying as it gets. Though I will give her credit; Lindsay would make a great Hermione with those two dumbledores.

So all this Potter movie news. Roundy wants to go see it--said she would buy me dinner if I agreed. Who knew there were so many CU Law cameos:

And in other news: Pac-Man invades a class near you. Blowdarts work on Jehovah's witnesses. More to come later. Happy weekend y'all.