The Rogue Stitch

From a psych ward in South Africa:

The Stitch is not dead! I'm on hiatus. Perhaps I've gone crazy, like Dave Chappelle. Might be the crack. (Law school and crack rocks equals crazy delicious.) Then again, maybe it's the massive Memorandum of Law in Support of Defendant's Motion to Dismiss the Indictment. Yup, that sounds about right. And the appellate brief's on the horizon.

I do promise, though, some regular updates in the days to come.

In the meantime, go see D.C.'s Block Party this weekend. Kanye, the Mighty Mos, and a Fugee's reunion in the Brook-nam all caught on film. Word.

From Weehawken, New Jersey (July 11, 1804):

So this is Vice President Burr and Alexander Hamilton right before the latter got Swiss cheesed up. Rat-a-tat-tat, Mr. Secretary. Should not have fired high on that first shot.

So let's pose a duel between good ol' Aaron Burr and the current VP, Richard Cheney.



______BURR ......... CHENEY ........ ADVANTAGE___
Born: Newark, NJ..... Lincoln, NE..... .............Dick
College: Princeton..... Yale (drop out)........... Aaron
Military: Lt-Colonel... 3-A reclassification... Aaron
Grad: JD (Law).......... MA (PoliSci)................ Aaron
Wife: Theodosia......... Lynne......................... Aaron
Daughter: Theodosia..... Mary (aka Steve)..... Dick
Residence: NYC....... Jackson Hole.................. Push
Congress: Senator...... House Rep.................. Aaron
Nemesis: Hamilton..... Pat Leahy (D-VT) ....... Dick
Rap Sheet: Murder, Treason...... 2 DWIs....... Aaron
Shot: Secretary............. Lobbyist.................... Dick
Scandal: Plot in Southwest.... Plame Affair..... Aaron
Notoriously: Immoral...... Unapologetic....... Aaron
Running Mate: Jefferson...... Dubya............. Aaron
Currency: $10........... funny money............. Aaron

Winner: Aaron "Sure-Shot" Burr

(As if there were any doubts.)

From the crosswalk on Abbey Road:

The Beatles. (decent band) The Beastie Boys. (decent rap trio)



What would happen if these two teams joined forces, Voltron-style? Mash-up magic in the vein of Danger Mouse and The Grey Album.



For all of those who love genre-breaking music, go check out dj BC's project, THE BEASTLES. You can download two great albums situated somewhere between Manchester and Brook-nam. Might I suggest a few tracks like Belly Movin' and A Day in the Life of a Beastie Boy.

So Chuck's back. Not only does WTR endorse the the Total Gym, but now he's hawking Action Jeans. Forget Diesel, Seven, and Lucky; Chuck obviously needs his movement for his signature move... the roundhouse kick.



Then there's this kid. Zombie gamer. Day in, day out.... must kill, must feed. Sunlight isn't part of his vocabulary and the word "female" only calls to mind a picture of Liv Tyler from the LotR movies.



This short film about his kind is friggin' great.


Update from Torino: CU alum Jeremy Bloom didn't medal in men's moguls. Sorry. At least you have the NFL draft to look forward to in the coming months.



So who thinks the Stitch should lay off the Cheney controversy? Anyone...................... ? ok, no cream.

From the presidential palace, downtown Helsinki:

And thus begins Conan's march on the Ukraine. Like Napoleon returned from Elba--only twice the size. Les Cent Jours, or maybe a week of late-nite. Cross the Baltic states, Whitey, and wake to immortality.

Congrats to homegirl Hannah Teter. That makes back-to-back gold medals for VT. 3 out of the last 4. Haters want to say that olympic snowboarding is a US sport. Nah, man; it's a Green Mountain specialty. (Kelly Clark, btw, put in the run of the year with her second final--despite the sit-down on the last 900.)



Of course, on a day like today, I've got to mention CO native Gretchen Bleiler as well. She's the cutie with the silver medal. Happy Valentine's, darling. Gimme a ring when you get back to the States and we'll celebrate on the Front Range.



Yeah, Shaun White. Ya done well too, kid. I'm guessing he was like 10 or 11 when I first saw him ride pipe at the US Open, fore-running the course for the OGs at Stratton. Look at him now.



In other news....



This might be the wrong Valentine's Day gift. Ain't the little dookie precious, though?



Speaking of excrement, Britney has been cast in Shallow Hal 2. Now KFed thinks he's even more black.

Also from Hollywood--Vice President Dick Cheney has been picked as the next James Bond:



(I might have to retire after this Photoshop mash-up.)

From the arid expanse of Tatooine:

So nothing captures the holiday spirit of Valentine's Day like Star Wars, right? We're talking 'bout love from a galaxy far, far away. Forget roses and chocolate; bring on the lightsabers and wookies.



Droid-on-droid action...............hot.



Red Six standing by--for some piggyback lovin' in the slop. ha!

Alright, so I had to have some fun with Photoshop for Valentine's Day. And I stuck with the silver screen. Enjoy.









I see you rolled your way into the semis.

So the cartoon fury continues. Don't these people have jobs? Can you take vacation time from the kebab shop to go burn effigies?

Your "revolution" is over, Mr. Lebowski. Condolences! The bums lost! My advice is, do what your parents did, get a job, sir! The bums will always lose!

Curse the Americans and their ideals of free speech.

How to spot a pedophile. (note the cameos.)

How to spot a frozen raccoon.

How to scare your little brother. (God, if only I had the resources when we were young.)

Gogo + Mario 2 = entertainment.

Another Nintendo tribute.

And one more for good measure.

Might as well throw a Pac-Man clip in there too.

The wrong type of lawyer. (If ever the Stitch resorts to being a scumbag, TV-commercial attorney, someone please shoot me.)

This guy's bound for Germany this summer.

Jesus is faaaaaaaaabulous. (watch for rioting in Utah after this one.)

Zazoo keeps the natality rates in Europe down.

From the arctic waters off a Lappland shore:

Yup, Finland. Pickled herrings. Reindeer. Aurora borealis. Cold place. Not Russia. That's about all I know. Oh yeah, and Helsinki claims to be the capital. Nice parks:



Alright, so I added the Stooges to spice things up a bit. Doesn't look like Scandinavia, though, does it? This might be better:



The woods are lovely, dark and deep.

(Robert Frost as morbid as ever.)

So who can bring up Finland without mocking its politics? I mean, how does a self-deprecating Mc from Boston decide its presidential election? We're talking about Conan O'Brien here. Turns out that he and incumbent candidate Taja Halonen are kuin kaksi marjaa. Behold the madness that is pasty skin and russet mops.



Conan started running endorsements on his show, which then got air time on Finnish TV. Halonen reaped the benefit and won. Now CO'B is on his way to Scandanavia to tape his shown. His plan is to cut a swath through the Baltic on his way to ruling the Ukraine.

Conan's connection to Finland actually transcends the presidential election. A while back, he ran a series called "Conan Hates My Homeland" and predictably bashed the country. Conan subsequently recieved hundreds of postcards from the Finns and was moved to retract his put-downs. Finland, jewel of the Arctic, I humbly beg your pardon. Conan then went after Sweden.



Gotta love Conan. Mom's godfather (grand-godfather?) was the props guy on the show for a number of years. Talk about a good connection to have for bringing a date out in the city. Works like a charm.

So what else has recently caught the Stitch's eye? Turns out there may be a 10th planet out there. Bigger than Pluto. Word.



And what did they name this new planet? Xena. (They in this case probably means "astrologers by day, UPN fans by night. Trekkies by weekend and/or vacation.")



Mars--god of war. Venus--goddess of love. Neptune--god of the sea. Xena--syndicated cult legend. Ridiculous.

This guy should be getting paid by Fox. Skills to pay da bills, y'all.

Robot does what? (the first kid's a small fry; so's the second. The third and final kid goes slow-mo and steals the show.)

Is this one funny? Well, does the proverbial fat baby fart? Powder keg.

Urban ninjas. everywhere. Here. Here. And here.

Not to be confused with actual ninjas.



Or skinny ninjas.



Or Legos ninjas.



Or kitty ninjas.

From somewhere outside of Tehran:

So the Stitch has never paid much attention to the rhetoric coming out of Persia, but suddenly I feel compelled to state the obvious: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is one neurosis short of a full-blown schizo picnic. This nut is tempting fate and a third world war, and just doesn't seem to get Bush's firm, midwestern belief in an 11th Commandment:



Thous shall not messeth with the bull, for the horns are sure to follow. Look, Bush is smiling 'cause you know he'd love to find you in a rat hole just like that formerly-mustachioed man who tried to off his father.



Sadd-ahmadinejad needs to take a look around and ask himself who would possibly help out if the U.S. came a'knocking: two of his neighbors were forcefully ejected from their upstart pulpits with ease (one of them on the weakest of pretenses you can possibly imagine), the Jewish guy down the street is just itching to drop the bomb on him, the Russians wouldn't dare step in to his rescue ('cause nothing spells out shame like a tank falling apart before it even gets to the border), and the Red Chinese government dislikes Islam just as much as the junior senator from Kansas. You got no friends, Mahmoud. Oh yeah, and the Sunni world thinks you're an apostate.

So keep on coming up with grand ideas like sponsoring a holocaust cartoon contest, you fucking retard. Statesmen rely on tact to defuse dangerous situations; you like to pour petrol on the bonfire.

Oh, but I guess this latest stunt is your answer to the Jyllands Posten cartoon controversy:







I'm not sure what is more offensive to Mahmoudy here: the depiction of Muhammed's manly mug, or the mocking of the idea that virgins await suicide bombers in the afterlife.

Btw, I hope those idolatrous Danes realize that you can't expect levelheaded reactions to flow from societies in which a mere cartoon can lead to the torching of embassies.

Now I'm just waiting for the Catholics to riot over South Park's penchant for making fun of Jesus and the Holy See, as well as the Hindus to set fire to Springfield (Massachusetts, hopefully) after Homer's impersonation of Ganesh.

Well, at least some Muslim firebrands had the forethought to get two messages out at once.



Ha. Yeah, so I had some fun with Photoshop tonight. I saved the best for Sadd-ahmadinejad:



(notice the gansta-lean on Mahmoud's hat; evidently he's gone all ghetto.)



See. I knew there was something screwy with this dude's processor. (God, that was a bad joke. I apologize for that right there, Lord. Git 'er done.)

Fatwah the Stitch, bitch. I dare you.