The Rogue Stitch

From the Dark Horse Tavern:

Happy Halloween, y'all. Always a good time. Nothing like an old Irish pagan celebration to bring out the freaks, the geeks, skanks, pranks, ghouls, ghosts, goblins, gophers, heffers, hobos, hillbillies, hookers and hijinx. Dead presidents walk amongst the living; little red riding hood loses her innocence; meathead loses his shirt; a pirate finds his booty; and Elvis is back in the building. What would this world be without a night where Castro can kick it old school with Tobias and the one-armed drummer from the D.L.?





By the way, that is Little Red Riding Hood in the background.

Even though Ali G was the common character last year, I didn't see one over the weekend. But I did find this site dedicated the man himself. Booyakasha. I think K.Fed McWhitetrash stole the show this time around. Doesn't take much effort to come up with the costume--just a wifebeater, a dew-rag and a 5 o'clock shadow.



A Britney lookalike would've been better, Ace.

I'm actually surprised no one went as Gary Brolsma. Who, What, Huh? You know, the Numa Numa kid of internet stardom. Now joining him in the technorati hall of fame are these two Chinese kids with a penchant for the Backstreet Boys. Take your choice: I Want it That Way or As Long As You Love Me. (I suggest the former.) Unfortunately you have to listen to the entire song to get to the outtakes at the end of the video. Great stuff.


Nothing like the crazy girl looking for a prom date though. If you can bear the pain, you'll see grandma get down with her bad self. Only to be outdone by our President drunk at a wedding.

Actually, these two Korean girls are the two craziest Asians on the internet. Original numas.

From NBC Studios in Rockefeller Center:

Conan. Good ol' Conan. Hey, you know how Conan does the whole "If They Mated" thing? You know, if Eva Long-whore-ia and Tommy Lee...



...had a kid, what would it (and I do stress the gender neutral pronoun) look like?



Great, right? Kinda looks like Ani DiFranco.

So I basically have to ask, what if these people mated....




Gwen Stefani and this guy from the Punjab?

Behold, this shit is bananas.











Weird Al Janko and the cast from Lost?

No, it's not Freddy Mercury.

From Grand Central Station:

'Cause sometimes, the funniest things are overheard on the subway.

But sometimes, above ground makes you laugh too:



That's for being so.......

Who, btw, could have done such a thing?



No, I think they're more into the lowbrow side of life. Sly allusions to the effeminacy of a Grammy-winning singer-songwriter is not an option here. Why do these two remind me of the film Gummo? Frightening. Of course, if they were cephalopods, they'd be on this show.

music career vs. movie career

like Hitler vs. like Uncle Jesse

worthless vs. worth $150m

Aryans vs. Munchkins

white power vs. white powder


So these two are the new hot topic on just about every blog you read. Two little white supremacists, who--if they sang about lollipops and crushes on Aaron Carter--would be in every teen magazine you could think of. But, as it turns out, they think a race war would be a good thing. Could it be that mom and dad are just a little out of touch with reality? You know, the type to home school their kids and stress (a) the South will rise again, (b) George Bush doesn't like black people, (c) the Jews killed Jesus, (d) evolution is a myth, (e) Strom Thurmond never had sex with his negro maid, and (f) women belong in the kitchen.

The kicker...they call themselves Prussian Blue. How dare they co-opt that color. Somewhere, Bob Ross is rolling in his grave.

"We don't make mistakes here, we just have happy accidents. We want happy, happy paintings. If you want sad things, watch the news. Everything is possible here. This is your little universe."

From NBC Studios:

Classic Farrell. Watch it. Enjoy it. But, for the love of God, Brandon, get off the shed and get on the bag! Nobody wants to be chained to a pipe in a crawlspace.

Crikey, tell me this is not real. The poor accent gives it away. But damn, you'll watch it twice.

So, who saw Waiting? Not bad, not bad. Not great. Better than seeing Anna Faris in a sequel to The Hot Chick (just say no, kids, to Rob Schneider), right? But who knew that Luis Guzman was such a prick? I mean, he might be a celebrity, but talk about delusions of grandeur. You're only a B-lister, there, ese.

Perhaps we should expect more from Ryan Reynold's new film--with Faris yet again. Check out the trailer for Just Friends.



What? Why? What did Ronald do to you? Oh, looks like he's been hittin' the special sauce (read: Jesus juice) and perhaps enlisted Michael Jackson to direct a commerical. Don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

Oh, btw, today is the 23rd. Happy Birthday to Jen Kim. She's about as roundy as it gets.



I'm pretty sure she wanted a pair of these for her birthday. I hope she got them:



Tevas. Uggs. Tevuggs? Tuggs? Tevaggs? Hot? Not.

From the Iraqi Desert:

Nov. 4 looks to be a day of openings. First, Jarhead--Sam Mendes' new film starring the Gold Digger refrain himself and that sketchy kid from Donnie Darko--opens at a theatre near you. True, with all the shite in the world today, you may not want to be reminded of the Mess o' potamia, but this film looks powerful nonetheless. Crazy how a SoCal desert can look like one of the more dangerous spots on the planet.

Speaking of gold diggers, if you pity poor Britney a bit on account of that deadbeat, white trash, low class fungus she picked up, well then this should be funny.

Secondly, Copper Mountain opens on the 4th. My board can finally come off the mantle. So, with the success of Dog Town, it was only a matter of time 'til some capitalist at Universal figured out that Terje and Farmer were just as instrumental in their own field. First Descent is my favorite snowboard film I haven't seen yet. December 2. The trailer made me jealous. Fyi, the ESPN bio conspicuously fails to mention Terje's accomplishments at the US Open (Stratton, VT--not Flushings, NY), which are what made him the Michael Jordan of the sport to begin with. I should know; I was there for it all. So much for corporate objectivity. Problem with competing sponsors?

December 9 is another day to mark on the old calendar. Burly reaches the quarter-century mark, a couple people gather in Central Park to remember an eccentric British chap, and Zhang Ziyi returns to the big screen:



Who cares if a Chinese woman is playing a Japanese geisha, right? She looks damn fine doin' it. Btw, was she the crouching tiger or the hidden dragon? I can never remember which one it was...

From the Delta Chi 2nd floor:

How many stereotypical aspects of the college realm can you pick out of this picture? Is that a trucker hat I see in the background? on top of a mini-fridge? beer stickers? cigarette butts in an empty bottle? an ID card with a lanyard wrapped around it? A nug jar on the floor? Oh yeah, and the minor leaguer gettin' f-ed with on a Saturday night. Priceless. No, no....fratastic. I guess he'd fall somewhere in between Boozehound and Completely Worthless according to the Frat Files. (Might as well try to figure out his soul mate at the Sorority Files while we're at it.)

Well, at least he didn't wind up like this guy:



Usually you have to piss off the wrong I-talian to wind up in this position. Is he smiling?

This, btw, is the hottest site on the web. NSFLC (Lancaster County, that is).

From the Orchard Lounge:

Viva la revolucion. download music. Eleven house and downtempo remix albums for your delight. Briscoe, Silver, & Lokken present.......

Twelve other artists/groups you should know about.

And--for the hell of it--one more site to waste some time on. The group is a cross between a Saturday morning PBS cartoon, reggae from the early 90s, and a southern French port town. Enjoy.

From the Big Island of Hawaii:

This, my friends, is a V-8, targa top, 308GTS Ferrari, with a 5-speed synchomesh transmission, Bosch K-Jetronic fuel injection, and limited slip differential (the other lsd). Reason # 56 why the 80s was one hellava decade. Another view for your viewing pleasure. (btw, I must have one.)



Naturally, this movie is Reason # 7. This disc would have been on the list as well, but it was actually released in 1979.



Proper use of a mustache. Thanks, Magnum. Reason # 57. Big up to Higgins. And Zeus. And Apollo.

Improper use of a mustache. Thanks, Haas.

From a dish best served cold:

This is brilliant I say. So is this, of course. But this...this is just friggin' negligent:



A Frenchman by the name of Saint Exupéry illustrated the natural chain of events here:

Once when I was six years old I saw a magnificent picture in a book, called True Stories from Nature, about the primeval forest. It was a picture of a boa constrictor in the act of swallowing an animal. Here is a copy of the drawing:



In the book it said: "Boa constrictors swallow their prey whole, without chewing it. After that they are not able to move, and they sleep through the six months that they need for digestion."
I pondered deeply, then, over the adventures of the jungle. And after some work with a colored pencil I succeeded in making my first drawing. My Drawing Number One. It looked something like this:



I showed my masterpiece to the grown-ups, and asked them whether the drawing frightened them. But they answered: "Frighten? Why should any one be frightened by a hat?"
My drawing was not a picture of a hat. It was a picture of a boa constrictor digesting an elephant. But since the grown-ups were not able to understand it, I made another drawing: I drew the inside of a boa constrictor, so that the grown-ups could see it clearly. They always need to have things explained. My Drawing Number Two looked like this:

From the Delta Chi House:

Why is this chump so fratastically happy? Well, it must be the advent of the Uber Tap. As if it were a burden to actually pump a keg with your hands one beer at a time. Well, here's something to bring him down:



So now, since we can pump beer three times as fast with half the effort, Americans are bound to expand exponentially. Behold, the end of our species:



Wow, you beat anorexia, but how long do you expect your heart to keep beating there, butterball? Nice, mock a legitmate eating disorder because you have one of your own. Oh, the irony.



Yes, that is a navel poking out of her muumuu.



Andy Milonakis' long-lost brother or future wife (I can't figure out what chromosones we're dealing with here).

Not to knock fat people, but the last thing we need in this society is another amenity like the Uber Tap. It's all been downhill since the introduction of the remote control and automatic transmission.

From the kitchen of Tommy Chong:

I really love the part about the "unusually large appetite."

And judging from the mug shot, Dad looks like he shouldn't be raising kids to begin with. Apparently, Towlie's his usual babysitter. (Grandma just had to fill in cause Towlie had no idea what was goin' on.)

From my corner office:

Well, I doubt this story is true, but it is funny as hell. Beware the secretary.

The whale tail is always good for a laugh too.

But this--this little ditty takes the cake. Shout out to all y'all yokels, truckers, rednecks, guilders, hillbillies, and residents of Crown Point, New York.

From Crawford, Texas:

"Oh yeah, hippie? What's that about my approval rating? Have you looked at Chirac's lately? Let me tell you something: this here's America, and as long as I'm holding this flag and my boots are on my feet, I'll still kick your ass, granola-muncher. Here in America we learn how to shave, you freeloading, passed out wookie. The American people are united, and they understand that we're bringing freedom to the world. The tyranny of evility must be stoppified. So before I get really mad, let me tell you something: it's about time you hempheads learn to ask "WWTBD?" What would Turd Blossom do? He wouldn't piss me off to my face. I've got Rummy in a tank behind me and Cheney in a nucular sub ready for my orders. So watch it. Any more of your lip and I'll have to deported to New Mexico."

From Trenchtown:

If looks could kill, out on the streets they'd call it murder. Vintage as it gets. If you listen closely, you can hear the music in the background...

Top Ten Reggae Albums You Should Have:
10. More Fire. Capleton.
9. Here I Come. Barrington Levy.
8. Two Sevens Clash. Culture.
7. Blackheart Man. Bunny Wailer.
6. Tenement Yard. Jacob Miller.
5. Night Nurse. Gregory Isaacs.
4. Live at the Hammersmith Palais. Toots & the Maytals.
3. Marcus Garvey. Burning Spear.
2. Equal Rights. Peter Tosh.
1. Exodus. Bob Marley. (Evidently, Bob could have taken up this whole list.)

From the Sisters of Mercy Convent:

"Oh, yes, yes, Mother Mercy.....The Rogue Stitch.....so much fun to read. Look, a post about that ungodly strumpet Rosemary Spears and her wicked spawn of Satan. Oh, the Dukes of Hazzard. Now those two lechers need to go to church and stop looking at their cousin. TV hasn't been the same since they took The Flying Nun and Lawrence Welk off the air....oh, football in South Bend. Jesus used to play tight end for Knute Rockne. Cheer, cheer for old Notre Dame, wake up the echoes cheering her name....That's much better music than this rock and roll blasphemy with the evil Elvis hip-shakers and the Hell's Bells sinners and the bootylicious trollops prancing all around the room, working the corners at nights when the menfolk should be home with their wives and children. Oh, look a site for natural breast enhancement....."

From CU Campus:

Damn, this might be the only building more hideous than Fleming here in Boulder. Could that possibly explain the $46m dropped on the Wolf project? Yup.

And btw, law school may not tell you who you are, but it will certainly tell you what you are.

For more information on the matter, please contact your local smartass or check out Life of a Law Student for audio lecture downloads. What better fun than a res ipsa loquitor wrap-up on the ipod? (one caveat: I once knew someone who listened to Sun Tzu's The Art of War on a regular basis. It gave him delusions of grandeur. I fear the same here.)

From the Park:

Soon enough, my friends. Copper opens in less than a month. As Clifford was wont to say (like a true K-town local), first stop: the Light. Then the trees.

From Hazzard County:

Knoxville? no. Stifler? who? Posers, cardboard caricatures, foul misrepresentations of the free-spirited brothers who nearly led the South to rise again. Ok, Daisy was an improvement the second time around, but Wopat and Schneider are the only Bo and Lukes I care to see....or are they? This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. (And if you don't believe in the manipulative power of the mainstream, just look at how quick I am to use a phrase from a shallow pop singer braying out lyrics a fourth grader could write. But damn, doesn't she look good singing it.)