The Rogue Stitch

From the high seas:

Alas, the sun has set over the Spanish Main. Gone be the days of pirate yore. Though ne'er shall I lament their passing into the great Abyss--so long as September 19th remains "National Talk Like a Pirate Day."

Arrrrrrrrrrrr.

Not feeling the holiday spirit? Need a lil' Long John Silver in ya? (wow, that doesn't sound right.) Howabout this: take the survey and this site will give you a pirate's name with which you can go about the day yelling at wenches and scouring for booty. (ha! double entendre number two.)





Sweet. Bloody sweet.

And if you need help with the pirate talk, this page will translate for you.

So get this: there seems to be this resounding animosity between pirates and ninjas. People are actually voting on which category of ruthless killer is better. Here.

Fitting, then, that the ninja from Askaninja.com gave Pirates 2 a thumbs-down:

In other news, Willie Nelson and a group of four other men (all over the age of 50) were busted for carrying a pound and a half of weed on Willie's tour bus, as well as three ounces of fungus loaded with psilocybin. On the road again, eh, Willie?



And, after getting swept by....errr, the Pirates, the Mets finally clinched the NL East yesterday. Yes, everyone knew it was coming. But let's face it; they're one step closer to pulling off a great World Series win on the 20th anniversary of their 1986 championship. No doubt.



Alright, that's it for now. I'll leave you with a few infamous moments in pirate history...

5. Nov. 2005: Somali pirates attack a Bahamian cruise ship.



4. Dec. 1991: Hoffman plays Hook with Mork as Pan.



3. Nov. 1718: Blackbeard terrorizes the Carolinas--and takes 14 common law wives.



2. Sept. 1993: Jerry doesn't want to be a pirate.



1. Circa the present: Pirates get.... hot.

From the Land Down Under, once again:

Traveling in a fried-out combie,
On a hippie trail, head full of zombie,
I met a strange lady--she made me nervous;
She took me in and gave me.....

A friggin' headache and left a bad taste in my mouth.



So who knows the name Germaine Greer--the strange lady to whom i dedicate this diatribe?

Ms. Greer is probably best known as the uber-feminist scholar and author who wrote The Female Eunuch (which reveals that women don't know how much men really hate them).



Some other fun facts about the woman:

• she was involved with a left-wing anarchist group, the Sydney Push
• she admitted to being a "supergroupie"
• she outed a transsexual colleague in opposition to her/his fellowship election
• she believes women should tast their own menstrual blood
• she has openly called for the end of monogamy
• she once compared female circumcision in 3rd world countries to boob jobs in the west
• she published an illustrated book about the "succulent teenage male beauty"

So I bring this all up 'cause Germaine (whom I'll affectionately call Gigi like the only other Germaine I know) had the audacity and poor tact to call out Steve Irwin a couple of days after his untimely death.

Insensitive prat. (Oh, wait; a former female British PM once called her a "great big hard-boiled prat." That works too.)

"There was not an animal he was not prepared to manhandle. Every creature he brandished at the camera was in distress. Every snake badgered by Irwin was at a huge disadvantage, with only a single possible reaction to its terrifying situation, which was to strike. The animal world has finally taken its revenge on Irwin."

When shall the animal world take its revenge on you, Gigi? Snakes on a feminist! Oh, the irony of the allusion to the temptation of Eve is killing me! I suppose I'm just a male blaming your kind for all the evils in the world, right?

The supergroupie admission is just ridiculous. Apparently, in her opinion, groupies demystify sex: "They accept it as physical, and they aren't possessive about their conquests."

By giving Kid Rock a hummer after blowing lines backstage? Wow.

Turns out the guys from South Park probably agree with Gigi. Who would have thunk it?

From Queensland:

Peace out, Steve Irwin. No more snakes on an Aussie. Where's Sam Jackson with the antidote when you need him?

Alright, so a sting ray got him. But who out there didn't think that just maybe a friggin' snake would pop him for being messed with in the Outback? I mean, pick me up by the tail or disturb my siesta and I'd be aiming for the cojones.

I'm guessing very few expected Steve to fatally slip up. A bite here and there, sure. Close calls, sure. Perhaps even a missing digit or two. Not death, though. People watched the show because they expected thrills, and accordingly had faith in his immunity by which he could get up close and personal for them.

Even the demi-god Heracles was brought down by poisoned blood.

Steve played with fire. But let's face it: he was a dedicated conservationist who was passionate about his work. Could we ever expect to say the same about the millions who laughed at the Aussie exclamations or the Boy Scout demeanor? Hardly.

Time to go wrestle that big crocodile in the sky, Irwin. I'm rockin' short khakis tomorrow for ya.

R.I.P.